"Are You Mad?"

For those of you who know me well, you know that there isn't a day that passes that I don't utter the three words........"Are you mad?" So, perhaps, this state of constant anger that I have been in for about four weeks is the most disturbing part of the journey for me.  There are several things about myself that I got from my Daddy.  One thing is..... his knees!  I also "received" the "eating out" gene!  I am convinced that is genetic!  I have his same love for music of all genres.  Then, there is the "people pleaser" gene!  We both share that same fear of making people upset, angry, or hurting some one's feelings.  The mere thought of it causes the loss of sleep for me, as I know it did my Daddy!  That's why I HATE feeling this way.
I find myself wanting to fight!  Now, take a good hard look at me!  I would love to think I could "hold my own" but even I am not so sure!  I was at Wal-Mart the other day and a lady stood in the middle of the isle and wouldn't move and I was ready to body slam her!  Or driving through Boger City and someone is in the far left lane doing 30mph in the 45mph and I am ready to drag them out of the car and stuff my foot where the sun don't shine.  I got flaming mad this morning because our door is hard to lock.  It has been that way for the entire nine years I have lived here but it just now makes me mad. I got mad yesterday when I took Murphy Charles for a walk and someone was speeding coming down the road.  I yelled at the poor lady and she just looked at me like I had three heads!   I  find myself getting mad about things that are none of my business.  I am mad at God lots of days.  I'm just being  honest.  On my 30 minute drive to work I cry out in pain and scream why?  Why God?  Why did you do this to us?  Why have you allowed this to happen?  Why have you allowed this type of pain in our lives?  This pain that I can't even begin to describe with words.  Why?  I get mad at selfishness. It enrages me. I get mad at my husband for absolutely nothing.  Bless his heart.  I just can't help it.
So...............this is where I am on this journey.  I'm mad he's gone.  I don't understand why and I'm mad about it.  I screamed out to the Lord on my way back and forth to the hospital.  I would just scream out and cry and beg Him not to take my Daddy. Please don't take my best friend.  If you would just heal him we could go around to different churches tell about the miracle you had performed.  Daddy could sing. I'm sure you would give him a song to sing about it.  It didn't happen.  Daddy did receive his healing but it just wasn't here with us. I'm mad about it. 
Often I hear the words "don't question God."  He has a greater purpose. Somewhere VERY deep in my heart I know He does. Somewhere VERY deep in my heart I trust Him.  When my friend Crystal's grandmother went to Heaven my Daddy made she and her mother a CD with "comfort songs" on it.  Just  like "comfort food," Daddy always had a list of songs ready for anyone in need.  My friend Crystal burned me a copy of the CD.  Each time I listen to it I am humbled beyond belief that I am listening to songs "hand picked" by Daddy.  The very first song on the CD is a Babbie Mason song.  I have attached the lyrics below.  I tried to attach her singing the song but I was getting too mad trying to load it!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I wanted to have a computer for future use so I quit.  If you have time, I highly recommend listening to it!

TRUST HIS HEART – by Babbie Mason & Eddie Carswell
All things work for our good
though sometimes we can’t see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth
Our Father knows what’s best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can’t see Him
Remember you’re never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart
He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don’t live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He’s weaving you and me to someday be just like Him
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand trust His heart

Happy Birthday to my sweet Daddy. I miss you every second I am breathing.

I was laying in the bed the other night, not sleeping of course!  My mind was all over the place.  Somehow it ended up on my friend Ashley Yarbrough and her precious little boy Miller.  I had seen them earlier that day. I was thinking about how I wanted to get up at 11PM and drive to Denver to pinch his cheeks!  Then I started thinking about her mom Beth.  Beth and her husband Joe have been friends to our family for as long as I can remember.  Recently, I came upon some old pictures of all of us.  Funny.  I will have to post those some time when I have a week or so.  It has taken me three days to set up this stinking blog!  I am not computer savvy.  Anyway, back to my point.  I thought about The Yarbroughs and all they have meant to us over the years.  I started thinking about Beth's blog and I thought I am going to do that.  I am going to create a blog about the journey of losing my very best friend in the world, my Daddy.  I thought maybe it would help someone else who is hurting or maybe it would help "little old me!'  

This is a scary adventure for me. I didn't get my Daddy's literary skills.  We all know he could write the best editorial in town!  I would often joke and tell Daddy I am not the brightest star in the sky!  He would get so mad and I would just laugh and say...........it's okay Daddy.  I can cut a "mean" yard on that zero turn lawn mower!!!!! 

Laugh as much as you breathe.  Daddy bought that plate the week before he went to Heaven.  He and I started a remodeling project for Mom while she was in Haiti on a mission trip.  We redid the kitchen.  When he came in carrying that plate I said NO WAY was that going in there!!!!  I told him those colors were from 1990 and he could find another room in the house for it!  He laughed his BIG ole' laugh.  He said he just loved the message and HAD to have it.  I said well it can say it in the den because it isn't going in this new kitchen! 
The next day, I went back up to work with him and that blame plate had made it's way back to the kitchen!  Needless to say, I gave in because deep down I loved it too even if it didn't match a thing in there! 

Laughing was something that you could always hear in our home. Especially when Daddy was around.  His laugh was loud and strong and came from deep in his belly.  I haven't felt like laughing in about a month but I know that the simple message on that plate was my Daddy's plea for me.  

I often told him I wanted to go to Heaven first because I just knew I wouldn't be able to tolerate the pain of losing him.  He would die laughing and say............"You have got to get over it!"  This loss is something I will NEVER get over.  The pain is so intense sometimes I double over in pain.  I just wanted to do something to honor him on his birthday. 

Will this be some fancy blog with huge words that I can barely say?  Lord no.  This blog is going to be simple, yet raw.  I will leave you with something funny that happened at school yesterday.  (I would always tell Daddy my funny school stories and he would laugh with me!)  We had nap time and I looked down and saw a little boy in the class sitting up and bouncing back and forth.  Then he proceeds to take his socks and shoes off and bend down and talk to his feet.  I said what in the world are you doing?  This is nap time.  You are supposed to be resting!  He said oh I am Mrs. Sherrill but I had to have a talk with my feet and make sure they were resting too!  

I have this message in my classroom at school.  One day, I will be able to "Laugh As Much As I Breathe!"  To be honest, it seems impossible without Charlie T. around to do that!  I miss you Daddy.  I love you so much.  I can't wait to get to Heaven to see you.