"Are You Mad?"

For those of you who know me well, you know that there isn't a day that passes that I don't utter the three words........"Are you mad?" So, perhaps, this state of constant anger that I have been in for about four weeks is the most disturbing part of the journey for me.  There are several things about myself that I got from my Daddy.  One thing is..... his knees!  I also "received" the "eating out" gene!  I am convinced that is genetic!  I have his same love for music of all genres.  Then, there is the "people pleaser" gene!  We both share that same fear of making people upset, angry, or hurting some one's feelings.  The mere thought of it causes the loss of sleep for me, as I know it did my Daddy!  That's why I HATE feeling this way.
I find myself wanting to fight!  Now, take a good hard look at me!  I would love to think I could "hold my own" but even I am not so sure!  I was at Wal-Mart the other day and a lady stood in the middle of the isle and wouldn't move and I was ready to body slam her!  Or driving through Boger City and someone is in the far left lane doing 30mph in the 45mph and I am ready to drag them out of the car and stuff my foot where the sun don't shine.  I got flaming mad this morning because our door is hard to lock.  It has been that way for the entire nine years I have lived here but it just now makes me mad. I got mad yesterday when I took Murphy Charles for a walk and someone was speeding coming down the road.  I yelled at the poor lady and she just looked at me like I had three heads!   I  find myself getting mad about things that are none of my business.  I am mad at God lots of days.  I'm just being  honest.  On my 30 minute drive to work I cry out in pain and scream why?  Why God?  Why did you do this to us?  Why have you allowed this to happen?  Why have you allowed this type of pain in our lives?  This pain that I can't even begin to describe with words.  Why?  I get mad at selfishness. It enrages me. I get mad at my husband for absolutely nothing.  Bless his heart.  I just can't help it.
So...............this is where I am on this journey.  I'm mad he's gone.  I don't understand why and I'm mad about it.  I screamed out to the Lord on my way back and forth to the hospital.  I would just scream out and cry and beg Him not to take my Daddy. Please don't take my best friend.  If you would just heal him we could go around to different churches tell about the miracle you had performed.  Daddy could sing. I'm sure you would give him a song to sing about it.  It didn't happen.  Daddy did receive his healing but it just wasn't here with us. I'm mad about it. 
Often I hear the words "don't question God."  He has a greater purpose. Somewhere VERY deep in my heart I know He does. Somewhere VERY deep in my heart I trust Him.  When my friend Crystal's grandmother went to Heaven my Daddy made she and her mother a CD with "comfort songs" on it.  Just  like "comfort food," Daddy always had a list of songs ready for anyone in need.  My friend Crystal burned me a copy of the CD.  Each time I listen to it I am humbled beyond belief that I am listening to songs "hand picked" by Daddy.  The very first song on the CD is a Babbie Mason song.  I have attached the lyrics below.  I tried to attach her singing the song but I was getting too mad trying to load it!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I wanted to have a computer for future use so I quit.  If you have time, I highly recommend listening to it!

TRUST HIS HEART – by Babbie Mason & Eddie Carswell
All things work for our good
though sometimes we can’t see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth
Our Father knows what’s best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can’t see Him
Remember you’re never alone
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart
He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don’t live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him
We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He’s weaving you and me to someday be just like Him
God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart
He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don’t understand
When you don’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand trust His heart